Jokes and Other Fun Stuff

Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!". So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?".... I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

Received via email - author - unknown.

The Horse, The Chicks & The Harley

Once there was a horse that lived on a farm. At least once a week, the horse saw the farmer bring home some chickens, but after a day or two the chickens would disappear.

One day, once again, the farmer brought home some new chickens. One young chick noticed the horse and took a particular liking to him. The horse was rather hesitant to make friends with the chick, as all of the others had disappeared. But, the two eventually became friends. "Why not", thought the horse, "maybe I can protect this one". So the horse watched over the chick day and night, they eat together, played together and even sleep in the same stall together.

One day while munching on grass and bugs in the back pasture, the horse slipped into a mud bog and quickly sank up to his neck. "Quick !" yelled the horse, "Go get the farmer and tell him to bring the tractor to pull me out." So the young chick ran as fast as it could to the barn.

She looked every where for the farmer with no luck. Then the chick looked down the road and saw the farmer going to town on his tractor. "What can I do to help my friend, the farmer is gone and so is his tractor." That�s when the young chick saw the farmer's new Harley Davidson Motorcycle sitting in the garage. "Oh, I know I'm not to touch the farmer's Harley, but considering the circumstances, I think he will understand."

The chick quickly grab a roll of rope, jumped on the Harley and sped out to where the horse was. She then threw one end of the rope to the horse, who grabbed the rope with his teeth, and she tied the other end to the Harley's fender and drove off, pulling the horse out safely to the dry ground. The horse was grateful and all was well once again.

A few days later, on the other side of the pasture, the horse and the chick were once again munching away, when suddenly, the chick just disappeared. "Oh no, not her too" cried the horse. But then he could hear the chick calling him. That's when the horse noticed a very deep well where the chick had fallen into. There deep in the well with his friend, was all of the other chicks that had disappeared before.

The chick cried out, "Quick, go get the farmer's Harley and the rope and come save us like I saved you". "No" said the horse, "I don't need a Harley, just do as I say". The horse then walked over to the well, straddled it, and said, "Now, I will extend my "MANLEY HOOD" down to you. When I gets down there, each one of you hold on and I will pull you up to safety"

The horse did as he said and all of the chicks were safely picked up and put back on the ground. And once again all was well again.

***THE MORAL OF THE STORY***

You don't need a Harley to pick up chicks, if you're hung like a horse ! !

Received via email - author - unknown.

Family on a nude beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean, but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is.."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Received via email - author - unknown.

The Pope and the Rabi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate.

However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute then ... the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Received via email - author - unknown.

What's still good?

Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Received via email - author - unknown.

The Chicken or the Egg.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on HIS face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Received via email - author - unknown.

Season & Seasoned

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Received via email - author - unknown.

Cowboy Logic

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bulgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation sys tem to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite

that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex calculations. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The

young man thinks about it for a second and th en says, "Okay, why not?"

"You were a consultant to the Kerry campaign." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...

....Now give me back my dog.

Received via email - author - unknown.

Gun Control

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

Received via email - author - unknown.

Colorado Blonde

As a Colorado trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her Mustang, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Jodi and you are losing some of your load. "The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Jodi, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Jodi, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Colorado and I'm driving the salt truck!

Received via email - author - unknown.

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