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Annual Checkup An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have taken a shot at that beaver." "Exactly." answers the doctor. Received via email - author - unknown.
First Mammogram Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home! Exercise 1: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn't effective enough. Exercise 2: Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!! CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram! Received via email - author - unknown.
Best of Hollywood Squares These are from the old Hollywood Squares show in the 70's. Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how
high? Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman? Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married? Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love
you"? Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year? Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One
is politics. What is the other? Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? Q: When you pat a dog on its head, he will usually wag his tail. What will a
goose do? Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Q: According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people? Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body what is it? Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what
was he trying to do? Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your
elephant? Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex? Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Q: Do female frogs croak? Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light? Q: To what do Roy Rogers and Dale Evans attribute their long marriage. Received via email - author - unknown.
Redneck Dog Carrier
Received via email - author - unknown.
Aging Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21....YESSSS!!! But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away! Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone. But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!! George Carlin.
Final Exam The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." Received via email - author - unknown.
Strong Man The strong young man at the
construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough. Received via email - author - unknown.
How to Stay Married A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept
no secrets from each Received via email - author - unknown.
Girls Can't Have One! Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!" The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!" Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" So she pulls up her dress and says... "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!" Received via email - author - unknown.
The Mother of a Veterinarian Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" "Oh, about $20,000 a week." "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?" "Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno." Received via email - author - unknown. Got a good Joke?
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