These Jokes are here because we believe that everybody needs a good laugh.
These Jokes are not always "Politically Correct". Hyper-sensitive people or those who are easily
offended should go elsewhere! We
avoid flat-out bigotry but we'll poke a Jokr or two at any stereotype.
If you can laugh at yourself as well at others then you should enjoy them.
Remember, they're here for your fun. If they offend you then don't bitch at
us! We warned you!
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist
and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to
his dog. "PC, do your stuff." PC trotted over to a desktop PC,
grabbed the mouse in his mouth and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Tax Break, do your stuff." Tax Break went into the kitchen
and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of
three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his
dog could do better. He called his dog and said "Measure, o your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of
milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 oz.
Without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the government worker and said "What
can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said
coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the
cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the computer keyboard, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a
grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave.
Received via email - author - unknown.
"Life's Reflections"
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots
wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three of them
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form
of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then
it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry
isn't your biggest problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too".
Received via email - author - unknown.
Arthur Davidson in Heaven
Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went
to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is this; you can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to
the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah,
yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God.
"Hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed
in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a
slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my
invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to
these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!
Received via email - author - unknown.
Washing The Dog
A young boy was at the grocery store picking out a
pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm
going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog.
It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the
detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to
buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said
he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't
think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Received via email - author - unknown.