Designated Driver!

Received via email - author - unknown.

Bubba and Jimmy Joe

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

Received via email - author - unknown.

The Sport of Choice

Please read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to: 

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

The amazing conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. This may explain why women are taking over the corporate world

Received via email - author - unknown.

Nookie Green

A man enters the confessional and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. 

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." 

The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeous, tall, woman enters.
All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy  gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. 

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

Received via email - author - unknown.

Embarrassing 1st Date

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays.......

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize. Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere.

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked down her pants and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly frozen against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme co ld. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing... this is a whole new definition of being "pissed off."

Received via email 

The Cowboy

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink!" 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" 

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that shit, all I want is a drink"! 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies." 

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he'll give him a second to think it over. The cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who's sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" 

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." 

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" 

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" 

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who's sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call yours?" 

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" 

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer!" 

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Received via email - author - unknown.

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