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The
French Lady
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of
the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly
adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her
little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in
that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed
and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you
see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm
very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up
the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty
seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on
the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the
window."
Received via email - author - unknown.
The
Fly Hunter
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Received via email - author - unknown.
The
Bear in the Bar in Billings
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the
bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars
in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The
bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He
comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Received via email - author - unknown.
Top
25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those #### kids next door won't
turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never
going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't
apply to you.
Received via email - author - unknown.
Be
All You Can Be..
Twenty-eight years ago Herman James, a West Virginia mountain
man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.
On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush.
That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his third day, he was issued a jock
strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Received via email - author - unknown.
At
the Beach
Received via email - author - unknown.
Strong Man
The strong young man at the
construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several
minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you
got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Received via email - author - unknown.
How
to Stay Married
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept
no secrets from each
other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of
her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her
about..
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money
totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was
to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should
just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but
what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls.
Received via email - author - unknown.
Girls
Can't Have One!
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's
house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl.
He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys
game and girls can't have one!" The little girl runs in the house crying
and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a
football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the
football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah!"
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is
a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy's bike.
Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his most private of
parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't
go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl, "Well, what
do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress and says...
"My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as
many of THOSE as I want!"
Received via email - author - unknown.
Illusions
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Count the black dots! >>>> |
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<<<< How many legs does this elephant have? |
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Are the horizontal lines parallel? >>>> |
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<<<< Look at the colors at the left and
say the color, not the word. |
Received via email - author - unknown.
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