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The Fastest Thing Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was the fastest thing in the world. Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a 'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already tought." Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a 'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk already." Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before you know it." T-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld is diarrhea." Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?!" T-Boy said, "Yea, lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights, I don shit in ma pants." Received via email - author - unknown.
New Diet My doctor has put me on a new diet. It's a wine and vegetable diet. It really works after being on it for 30 days I lost 10lbs and my driver's license. Phil........Akron Ohio
Mail? One day this man was outside mowing his grass and notices his cute, blonde, neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. There was nothing in it so she storms back inside. An hour later he sees her check it again and then she storm back inside. Then he thinks doesn't she know it's Sunday? After that he just goes back to mowing his lawn. Half an hour later he glimpses over and sees her checking it again so he decides to go over there and ask her why she's so mad. So he does and she says my dam computer keeps on saying I've got mail. Received via email - author - unknown.
The Boy, The Old Man, and The Donkey The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye Received via email - author - unknown.
A Jewish Mom Mrs. Schwartz comes to visit her son Jacob for 3 days in Israel where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roommate. Mrs. Schwartz couldn't help but notice how pretty Jacob's room-mate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his Mom's thoughts, Jacob volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Vikki came to Jacob saying, "Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the sugar bowl from my house, but it has been missing ever since you left. Love, Jacob Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. Lesson of the day... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Jewish. Received via email - author - unknown.
The Four Most Important Things for a Plumber to Learn! Hot on the left, cold on the right. Received via email - author - unknown.
Rain? A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747. A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?" Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep. Received via email - author - unknown.
The New Clerk The owner of the general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt, or general lack thereof, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea, I'd like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread which is located on the very top shelf. The young man is provided with a excellent view. Once she descends the ladder he decides he needs another loaf of raisin bread. Several other male customers notice what is going on and she is kept busy climbing up and down the ladder. After many trips up and down the ladder she is very tired and while she is on the ladder she glances down at the crowd ,she notices an elderly man in the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells at the elderly man. "Is yours raisin too?" " No," croaks the old man, "but its a quivering" Received via email - author - unknown.
Can You Answer These? How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? How Do You Get Holy Water? What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? What Is The Difference Between a Honda And a Hoover? Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Received via email - author - unknown.
Women Drivers! Driving to the office this morning on the I - 84 Westbound, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me. I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call. I wish they'd keep women off the road! Received via email - author - unknown.
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